SOMETHING BIG HAPPENED

I really don't know exactly how it happened, why it happened, or why I waited so long to realize that it was fairly simple to make it happen. Don't you just hate it when that happens???

So what is it that happened?

Wellllllllll............I just so happen to have lost 45 pounds in the first 7 months of this year. That's right, 45 pounds that no longer weigh me down physically, mentally or emotionally. It's still unbelievable to me that I'm so close to finally looking like I did before I got pregnant with Brooke...Nearly 8 years ago. I just wish I would've found that determination to focus on myself years ago.

When you have kids and you're home with them all the time, something happens to YOU. While you know that you're doing something respectable for your children, you don't realize that you lose yourself in the process. You end up sacrificing your mind, body, and spirit for the greater good of your children. And somehow I forgot what it was like to feel good about myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful that my husband allowed me to stay home with my children and, I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I would have made some wiser decisions along the way. Decisions that would have undoubtedly made some of the last several years more enjoyable.

But that's neither here nor there...And life goes on.

I guess I seriously have to credit that wretched kidney stone that I got in the middle of the night of my 30th birthday. So, thank you stupid, painful, wouldn't let me sleep kidney stone...Believe it or not, you actually did me a favor. And it's changed my life for the better.

I quickly began cutting out all the soda, sugars, fried foods, and other unhealthy junk that I was putting into my body. It really just started out as trying figure out what caused me to have a kidney stone but, I was also tired of my stomach hurting with everything I ate. Suddenly, I found my jeans sagging on my butt and thighs more and more. And it just kept going.

A few before and after shots. Please excuse my stretch marks...They never go away :(
Check out my butt in these jeans. It looks like I'm holding them up but, that's just how loose they are now.

Now check out my butt...LOL! Much better!Look at the size difference of the jeans just lying there. Wow.

And what in the world do we have here??? Legs! Oh my!

I put these next two pictures side by side the other day and immediately covered my face in complete shock and disgust. I think my heart even skipped a few beats. Simply mortified.

I can't believe I'm actually putting this up here because I'm so embarrassed, ashamed, and in absolute horror of how I looked. But I want to remind myself and prove a point to all the haters out there that change is possible.

This was Christmas Eve 2009...Oh My FREAKING Gosh!!!! And this was November 1, 2010...Putting up my tree. YAY!

Can you believe that?!?!?! I never thought I was that big and never had any rude comments or complaints from my loving husband but, I wish I would have never let myself go like that. And I wish I would have snapped out of my funk years ago. I could have enjoyed many more things in life if I would have just been confident in myself and my abilities.

However, I see now why certain people were seriously in shock when they saw me and couldn't really stand to look at me. And some of those people I actually share blood with. You know who you are just as much as I do. It's ok though because I can't really blame you. I was gross and apparently my amazing personality just wasn't enough for you.

BUT...Quite frankly, I really don't give a crap what you think anymore. Sure, it would be nice for you to give me a compliment and actually look at me and speak a whole sentence to me but, I no longer need it to be happy. That's because I'm finally happy with myself. And I have been since shortly after I turned 30. It's not just because of the weight loss either since that didn't just happen overnight. It's more because I had an epiphany and realized that I deserve better.

And as harsh as it sounds, this became my motto (and Nathan's too)... If someone doesn't approve of me because of how I look or act...F*** 'em! F*** 'em all!

I know, I know. I'm sorry parentals. It sounds very hateful but I just don't have room for negativity in my life anymore. I don't want it, I don't need it, and I sure as hell don't like it.

Sooooo, you might as well be happy with me and for me because if not, I'm more than fine being happy without you. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. Maybe I'll fill you in on a few of the things I did to lose weight later on since this is rather long :-)

CAMPING AT THE RIVER SAY WHAT?

Over the summer we have become really good friends with Mac and Sara and their 3 boys. Mac was Cole's baseball coach in the Spring but, we didn't really even start talking to each other until the end of the season baseball party. Mostly because I thought Mac was a jerk (that's putting it nicely) and, Sara was usually very busy keeping score and chatting it up with the hoards of people that know her in this small city. Plus, I was also always off to the side with a camera in my face taking pictures and videos of the games.
Since the baseball party we started hanging out more and more and somehow ended up getting talked into going camping and canoeing with them and 2 other families.

What's that?! Yes, I'm just as shocked as some of you are that we went, too. I went canoeing several times when I was a teenager and somewhat liked it but camping...Uhhh dislike. Especially when the weather is absolutely disgusting outside. I sweat bad enough as it is and prefer not to be all stanky and drenched in my own body odor when I'm eating meals and supposed to be relaxing. Just a personal preference I guess.

I failed to take a picture of the actual campsite but, this was our practice set up at the house before we left.
We drove the 1 1/2 hours deep into the boonies and camped 2 nights right on the Buffalo River. I won't go into full details of the trip...Mainly because I just don't feel like it since I have many more posts to do but, I will say this...I may canoe again but the chances of me camping again are very, very slim.

Packing all the food, cooking, sleeping, and living necessities SUCKS, setting up everything on the campsite SUCKS, breaking down the campsite SUCKS, and floating down a dirty, non current river for 10 miles with a child that is miserable almost the entire time SUCKS. And Nathan would probably add that being told by his wife to move from the back of the canoe to the front because she can steer way better than him thus making him the only man on the river with his woman in control SUCKS.

But I don't care because I didn't enjoy having to slam flat on my back to avoid having my face roughed up by these trees. Just look at them. Yep, the ones right after that giant log. Thank goodness I have skills and we miraculously didn't flip over.
We stopped way too many times to look at cliffs, jump off cliffs, swing off ropes, splash around, eat a snack, pop another beer, and pee in the water. Not necessarily in that order but, YES...It was definitely as white trash as it sounds.Dain, Cole, Nathan, Devin, Mason & Drew at the very top of the waterfall.Sweet Drew helping Brooke down the slippery hillside that I didn't even attempt climbing.The water was actually very cold for August. Not really refreshing...More like bone chilling.
Drew chillaxin on the floaty being pulled behind a canoe. Hard to believe he's 16, huh? All of the kids took a turn on there. Brooke unfortunately had a near death experience on it and will probably choose to never talk about it again. Stupid turtle.
She did have an excellent time with an empty beer can though. I was just glad that she wasn't complaining for at least a good 20 minutes.
Oh my...Just look at her cooling herself off. What are we in for when she's older???
I love how Brooke has the Livestrong bracelet on her ankle for her Daddy.

Drew spent many hours talking noise to Nathan about this super high cliff called Chimney Rock and how he absolutely MUST jump off of it or else. Of course, Nathan couldn't lose face and agreed to do it. See that little speck of a man on the highest peak on the right? That's the jumping off point. Yikes!

Come on, Dad! JUMP!!! Don't be a chicken!
Ugggghhh...Still waiting on them to jump.

Once they were up there, smack talker Drew kept trying to talk Nathan out of jumping because he was scared and didn't want to have to do it himself. Drew kept saying, "Don't do it, man! You have a beautiful wife and two kids. Think about your beautiful wife. Think about your kids. Don't jump!" Bahahahaha!

It took a whole lot of courage for Nathan to finally jump off that cliff but, he did do it. And it was awesome! It was so cute to see how proud the kids were of him! He was badly bruised up for weeks on his inner thighs and under his arms where he slammed in the water but, he was glad that he didn't have to face the shame of chickening out and having to climb back down the cliff.

There were a handful of fun moments but not near enough to make it worth all the hassle. Oh, and don't get me started on the hassle of the moist and muddy mess on everything that had to be dealt with once we got home. Grrrr! Makes me really appreciate the fact that I live indoors. The kids said they don't want to go camping or canoeing again. Ummm...No argument here!

CHEESY FOOTBALL CAMP

We heard about this football camp that was being held by our city's new semiprofessional football team...The West Tennessee War Eagles. That sounded pretty cool for Cole and we figured it might help prepare him for his first time playing football in the fall. We should have known it was going to be pretty cheesy since it was only $25 for 9 hours over 3 days and that included lunch and a t-shirt. That's alright though because I'm not going to argue with affordable entertainment for my energetic and often irritating with his nonstop ball tossing, catching, flipping, flopping on the floor, flying onto the couch son. I did take some videos during the tournament on the last day but they were really pretty lame.

He thought he was Mr. Cool with his shirt off. Hellooo, ladies!Seriously, where does his milky white skin come from???

Cole did have a really good time and didn't mind the heat one bit...Even when he got badly sunburned during the shirts and skins games. Maybe next year it'll be even better and they'll actually get one of the players from the Tennessee Titans to visit the camp (so I hear).

12 YEARS

Wow...What a great anniversary we had this year. We went to our favorite restaurant here in Tennessee just like last year...Fuji Yama. Love that place!
Their food is so stinking good. You always eat way too much and leave there with a blown up belly but, it's soooo worth it. Nathan later told me that he couldn't even taste it very much because of the radiation after effects. What?! I think he just tried to remember and imagine how good it normally tastes.
The wow part about our anniversary comes from the fact that we didn't have the kids with us...AT ALL...For 4 days straight. Can you say OMG?! Yep, they were on their kid vacay with my parents. It was actually really weird without them in the house. I kept thinking that I left them somewhere. Not really the best feeling but, it was very quiet and relaxing.
We actually went out with a bunch of friends during that weekend and had so much fun until the wee hours of the night...And nobody brought their kids. Awesome! And then we were able to sleep half of the day away the next day just because...Even more awesome!Check out these last 2 pictures. They were taken only a couple of weeks after the ones above but we look so different. I guess it's all because of Nathan's facial hair and me changing my make up and getting a hair cut. That's crazy. Oh, go and look at pictures from our anniversary post from last year. Now that's REALLY crazy!

Awww...We're kinda cute together don't you think? :-)

*side note: this was actually at the end of July and it's now the beginning of November. I'm good at this blog thing...LOL!

POLISHING UP

Apparently Brooke learned how to paint her own fingernails from another 6 year old. Awesome. I offered to paint her nails and she said Carrington taught her how when she spent the night with her. Well...okay then. My little girl wants to do it herself :(
She sure looks cute doing it though. She may have chocolate pudding smeared on her chin but, those eyelashes are still amazing. Wowza.

A little polish is fun...It makes you feel sorta fancy, huh?

RESTING PLACE

Nathan's grandfather passed away right after his radiation treatment was complete and right before my parents came through town to take the kids on their little trip. He hadn't been in good health for a long while so, we'd been expecting it pretty much since the beginning of the year. He was 87.

June 2009

June 2010

I haven't had any grandparents for close to 20 years so, I sent this email to my dad...

Nathan's grandpa (Joe's dad) passed away Sunday morning. This is his first time experiencing losing a grandparent. I really don't know what to say but I wondered if you might have some comforting words for Jane and Joe about losing a parent. They are all having a very hard time...Especially Joe's mom. They've been married for 60 years.

This was his reply...

Bummer. Obviously words can not replace the one that has been lost, and even though what we say may be very profound (at the time we speak them) they are often NOT heard because the survivors are too caught up in the moment - shock, grief, anger, questioning, etc. Just the other day I listened to Alan Jackson's "Remember When"...there is a lot of emotion in his music and this is possibly what we would want people to say to us or about us - remember when?

We are also told in numerous poems, movies etc that we never lose them if we continue to speak of them and refer to them in our daily living. I think the Jewish Nation does a tremendous job with this when they reference those who have gone before them - even back to Abraham.

Sixty years together (your mom and I are 2/3's there) make it difficult to think about the other person being gone, but so often I think we have become them and they us. What we are today and tomorrow is molded by their presence in our lives. Let's see 60 years times 365 days times 24 hrs equals 525,600 hours...I think we become very much alike.

This all said, the one remaining has much to ponder, rejoice...neither of which will replace the one departed...the legacy continues in Joe, Nathan, Cole - WOW, she certainly has a fine specimen of a shade tree under which she can reflect and give thanks.

I would never do well delivering an address at a funeral - probably one of the reasons I decided against being a pastor - people hear what they want to hear, expect you to say what they want you to say, and sadly often don't hear what you say. Words are cheap. Maybe over the days to follow the deeds are more important. I remember my dad saying it was so lonely after mom died. All the people from the church went back to their routine and the plates which food was provided were returned to them and then there was nothing.

I ramble...tell Nate we are sorry for his loss, but believe the legacy does continue.

Thank you, Dad...Your thoughts were amazing and really struck a chord with Nathan's parents. Joe mentioned your email to Nathan as soon as he picked him up from the airport and said they really appreciated it.

I also asked my mom to go up to the viewing to represent me. Of course, she said she'd be glad to do so. Nathan said he'd never been so happy to see her because it made him feel like I was there with him. Thank you so much for doing that, Mom. That meant so much to Nathan, as well as, the words and feelings you expressed to his grandma.

Since Grandpa was a military veteran, he was able to be buried at the Dallas/Fort Worth National Cemetery. He never spoke of his time that he served in World War II. He just said he never wanted to speak of the things he saw there again. While going through the house, they found paper work that he had received four bronze metals. No one, including his wife of 60 years, knew about them. Unbelievable.

Grandpa made fiddles for all of his children and grandchildren. He was a fiddle and guitar player in a band back in the old days in New Mexico. They are amazing and mean so much to everyone that has one.

Nathan picked what wood he wanted when he was 9 years old.

He chose birds eye maple...Very pretty.

It was very fitting that he went to his final resting place with a fiddle in his hand.

Happy Fishing...From your grandkids

WHAT AN HONOR...

What a beautiful place to rest.

No more pills, no more aches and pains...Just peace.